By Terrance Gavan – Blogger, Crap Journalist and Idiot Savant
A former BNP member who turned his bedroom in his mother’s house into a bomb and weapons factory has been jailed for 11 years.
From the outside, the house in Batley, West Yorkshire, betrayed no sign of Terence Gavan’s sinister pastime.
But when officers from West Yorkshire Police entered the property with a search warrant as part of a firearms investigation in May 2009, they were to discover the largest cache of home-made bombs and other weapons ever seen in the region.
This is what you get when you Google yourself constantly. The mad bomber. The crazy guy who has, for the past four years or so, disturbed my own perfect slate of mentions on the Terrance Gavan search results page one. Did you know that page rank, the term, has absolutely nothing to do with internet pages.
Nope. It’s named after Larry Page, who along with Sergei Brin, founded the omnipotent search engine, Google.
Cut to the chase. Back in 2010, because of my prolific web design and writing presence, the Terrance Gavan with the Terrance part spelled correctly with two r’s and an a, owned page one of the Google results page. It was me, me and then me. I was on Facebook, it was my LinkedIn page, I was on the twitter search. My sports articles were there. My websites were there. I was number on on the Page Ranking!
Then Terence came along. Turns out that Terence Gavan has been making bombs since he was 10 years old..
He drove a school bus. He was never ever ever going to make the front page of Google unless, y’know, he fucked up royally.
Which he did. In 2010. From The BBC:
Police spokeswoman Claire Forbes told BBC News: “He had a bedroom where he made the devices and his mother had no idea they were there.
“It was quite a concealed room. There was a door, then you went up some steps and it was up there. Gavan was arrested on suspicion of the commission, preparation or instigation of acts of terrorism, under the Terrorism Act 2000.
It took police and Army bomb disposal officers six days to search the room and explode some of the devices to make them safe, during which time shocked neighbours in Colbeck Terrace had to be evacuated.
Police uncovered 54 explosive devices, including nail bombs, pipe bombs and a booby-trapped cigarette packet, and 12 firearms – three of them loaded – plus devices in whisky bottles and aerosols.
There were also materials for making more devices, including fireworks, weedkiller, hydrogen peroxide and gunpowder. Gavan was also apparently in the process of building a rocket launcher.
Turns out the naughty so and so also has this xenophobic streak. He does not like immigrants. Especially immigrants of the darker persuasion. So not only is my name allied with a crazy as fuck bombmaker and terrorist, but it turns out he’s also an almighty racist bastard.
The one think I have going… and it’s a small Pyrrhic victory… is that even at my advanced age… I am waaay better looking than Terence Gavan. To paraphrase Bill Murray in Caddyshack… “So, I got dat’ goin’ for me anyways!”
Need Proof? Here’s your proof.
So that’s my sad tale. Google is looking for the Loch Ness monster and ruining my reputation, just for spitz and giggles.
So this for any employers who happen to find the ersatz Terence Gavan while checking my bona fides.
Remember… I’m the good looking one. I don’t make bombs. Have several dark skinned friends. I like Bruce Cockburn’s song: If I had a rocket launcher… but would never ever deign to make one in my bedroom.
I am in fact a klutz when it comes to making anything.
I’m not an arts and crafty guy.
And My name is Terrance Gavan. I do my damage via the parsed bon mot… if you need further proof… Google Bram Lebo, Publisher of The Highlander.
You will find in perusing those skewers that the pen… is as ever and always… mightier than the IED.
Je suis The Big Dog… ou… Le Grand Chien!