Highlander publisher Uncle Scratchy pens lugubrious piece about angling… fish out of water
Step right up kids, it’s the circle of life. See, I put the worm on this hook.
Why are you putting a worm on the hook Uncle Scratchy
So we can catch a fish.
I want to touch the worm!
Ok, you can touch the worm. Now, take the rod and remember what I said about holding it steady.
TERRANCE GAVAN – SHRIKE EDITOR
You may have noticed this all by yourself.
Highlander Publisher Bram Lebo is decidedly and assiduously unfunny. I have first hand confirmation of it. You, dear readers, unfortunately have to derive your own satisfaction on this point via a strategic reading of columns. Bram Lebo’s columns.
And for this… I commiserate wholeheartedly and unabashedly. No human being should be exposed to such perusals without first ingesting liberal doses of demerol. or laughing gas. Or peyote. Or perhaps better yet… the stuff that we assume grows wild and aplenty in Mr. Lebo’s backyard garden.
Last week Mr. Lebo plumbed the depths of his unfunny bones to reveal a column about fishing with his nephews. Oh no… you needn’t google it. If you did already? Well, I apologize.
I found it hilarious. Not for its content or its mirth. But because I must of needs deliver a weekly dose of detritus following the abysmal snorts and huffs of Haliburton’s ambivalent bearer of muffled, unctuous and deftly uncrafted tomes. This week, I was jarred by the be-musings of this humorless wretch trying so hard to do something that is well beyond his ken. Ok kids, let’s pack it up and go for a boat ride.Are we done fishing? I want to go fast! No! Slow!Let’s give the fish a break and let them get some rest.
I was drawn to it as I am drawn to other unfathomable dalliances and time wasters. Incongruity is a means to its own end. Watching a bear ride a unicycle… for instance. Is not that funny. But I am drawn to the exercise. Because it is so… non ursine. I watch it for a while… not for the enjoyment so much as for the sheer sinister psychotica that the bear brings to the task.
I enjoy it because the bear knows that this is against his nature. Yet he does it anyway. Why? He knows there is a slice of salmon at the end of this foray into unusualness. And so he does it to please his feeders.
Bram Lebo is already compensated. He sells a lot of ads to people. So why does he feel the need to trip off into the denser part of his nature… to ride this unicycle? Maybe there is a deeper angst going on within this humorless, shark-eyed denizen of his own dank, deep and transgressive thoughts.
Maybe he thinks that a folksy twaddle hither and thither and yon will free his soul. Maybe make him approachable? Maybe make him a better man?
Truth is. Uncle Scratchy – his alter ego in this spry travesty – is just a hollow whistled tune, lugubriously delivered from a soulless speck of flesh.
I once wrote for Mr. Lebo. And it was a soulless task. When a pal of mine and me gave him an iota of credibility to start on a new venture in Haliburton he used to question everything I wrote. And make faces. he does not like these things “…” and he does not feel that columns should contain “?”.
He was also adamant to the point of apoplectically insane regarding one sentence paragraphs. Why do I mention this? Because dear readers… his fallback traipse into humor writing contains one sentence paragraphs… and lots of questions. It should also contain some ellipses. (…) Trust me Bram on this.
Thus I would like to say that he has again taken something from my vast book.
And I will repeat, again… Dear Bram.
Leave humor to funny people.
Leave the writing to the writers.
Leave the editorials to… alas… there is no one to leave that to. At The Rag.
Wait… maybe leave the editorials to Chad Ingram or Jenn Watt.
Please dear Old Uncle Scratchy? … ?…
You can steal the style… but not the humor.
… ? eh? … eh? …
Just sayin’ Uncle Scratchy!
Terrance Gavan writes humor, sports and things that tickle his fancy.
Like bears on unicycles… or perhaps? … a fisherman waaay out of his depth….?