Game of Thrones new season… top five people who must die

Holy fuck… cast is as wary as the old security teams sent to planet surface by Captain Kirk

TERRANCE GAVAN – GAME OF THRONES REPORTER

Remember those poor away teams that Spock and Kirk used to send to the slaughter every week? I wonder how many ever rebounded from the vague anonymity of that part on their resume.

What was their next audition like?

Director: “It says here that you appeared on Star Trek episode three, Revenge of the Kickapoo Krazzits!” What did you do?

Actor: “I was the leader of away team two, and we…”

Director: “Died… so no real acting experience then… thanks for coming in Tom… Toodles! Better luck next time!”

I’ve been lucky enough to appear setside for some of the filming of season four and I have to tell you that most of the actors are approaching the season with a lot of that Star Trek away team vibe. It’s entertaining as hell. Every time someone draws a sword in a scene about ten borderline actors hightail it for the Johnny on the Spot or their trailer.

I’ve seen the season and a great many of my friends know it. So I don’t get invited to parties. And I’m shunned if I meet someone in a corridor or on the street.

“Wait… Gavan you bastard! Don’t tell me who’s going to die you prick!”

They blurt that out… and then run away with their hands over their ears, singing “la-la-la-la… I can’t hear you!!!”

Look. Throne Nation. Here’s the dealio.

Have any of you read Game of Thrones? The book. The books? The series by author George R. R. Martin? I mean really. The whole HBO thingy was begun on account of the success of the books! You can’t really be serious about this spoiler thing? Can you?

I have the series on Audible. I don’t have to see season four to have a pretty good idea about who’s next on the Dragon’s Barbie!

Spoiler! This season the three dragons all get PMS at the same time and take out their mood swing on the entire Unsullied hoard.

Poor Unsullied bastards. Freed by kind queen Danierys only to be roasted by Big Bird! Who coulda’ seen that coming?

Cut to scene: (Unsullied rejoicing in their first anniversary of freedom!)  “Free at last… free at last… thank god almighty we’re free at……. whooooooosssshhhhhhhhh! Holy shit and fried tomatoes!… The fucking dragons have gone nuclear on our Unsullied arses! Run motherfuckers! Run!”

No that’s not in the book. But who cares. It makes for good television and it also … in one fowl swoop (sorry!) eradicated the budget of 10,000 Unsullied extras who Director Jonathon Hindmarc said were sending production costs sky high.

“Do you know how many cheese and cracker trays 10,000 Unsullied actors go through in a day of shooting? It’s fucking crazy!,” said Hindmarc.

Anyway we have that to look forward to in three weeks.

PTSD Lawsuits – Red Wedding?

Meanwhile there are a rash of lawsuits emanating from the finale of last season, heretofore known as “the Red Wedding Scene.”

It seems that a number of Throners are suffering from what they call post traumatic throne leftover after watching the season ending massacre. Wimps.

Maybe those people involved in the class action should think about the repercussions. Sure nightmares and cold sweats are no picnic, but is it worth suing HBO and possibly shutting down production. C’mon people. get over yourselves bitches! It was a wedding. Look. I’ve been to a few Irish weddings and I can tell you that the Red Wedding couldn’t hold a candle to some of the shit I’ve seen goin’ down when the McIlroy’s and Muldoon’s start to duke it out during the first waltz.

Red Green and Orange and gunshots ringing off the fecking chandeliers! That’s right. We bring guns to a swordfight.

And by the way?

The red wedding? Christ people. It was in the book! Why the hell were we theses people so shocked and awed? Does no one read anymore? And what about the warning in front of every show. This show contains scenes of violence, nudity, beheading, behanding, befooting, becocking,  beearing and benosing along with liberal doses of less than chivalrous activity!”

So if after all that? You sat down and watched the fucking red wedding? Don’t blame George Martin or HBO.

You’re pussies! Clear and simple. So shut up and suck it up!

We want to see this series out to the end. Wherever it leads.

And if you haven’t slept a wink since the red wedding?

“The Lannisters… send their regards! Motherfuckers!”

Where was I.

I do know who’s dying and who’s dead walking for this fifth season of trials, twits and titillations.

I will be spoiling every show from now until the end of the season.

Read the bloody books people. Anyone with half a brain can figure out who’s next on the chopping block!

They’re the ones wearing the yellow shirts with Phasers on Stun! Poor saps!

@terrancegavan on tweeter!