GTA—In an effort to improve spectator safety, Toronto Blue Jays concessions personnel announced Monday that the ballpark’s concession stands will henceforth stop selling crack cocaine at the conclusion of the seventh inning.
“By cutting off crack sales toward the end of the game, we feel we can enhance the overall baseball experience for all of our guests, including those who want to burn a little rock,” director of ballpark operations Hiasakite Izumi told reporters, adding that the stadium will be leaving in place its longstanding regulations prohibiting ticket holders from purchasing more than two vials of the cocaine freebase at once, as well as instructing concession stand workers and bleacher vendors not to sell to anyone who looks like they’ve already had too much to smoke.
“We want our visitors to exercise moderation while they’re smoking crack and cheering on our Toronto Blue Jays, and we feel this new rule will make that possible. From now on, fans who have been hitting the pipe all afternoon can take a bit of a breather to come down and stop tweaking out long enough to stagger home safely.”
“That’s what Blue Jays baseball, the city of Toronto and the Mayor of Toronto are all about.”
Izumi added that the stadium’s concession workers would continue to check IDs for everyone seeking to purchase crack, noting that—per GTA regulations—sales of the drug are prohibited to anyone 14 years of age or younger.
Toronto crack-smoking aficionado and mayor of the city, Rob Ford was unavailable for comment. He was holding court at a Dairy Queen in Mississauga talking in an unintelligible Chinese accent about why he will become the next mayor of Toronto.
(Borrowed liberally from the Onion without permission!)