Seamus O’Bradaigh – Shrike Monopoly Columnist

And so it begins. The new Minden Times appeared on your newstands recently and as shadows go?

Afred-E-Neuman4-bam-mego

What Me Worry? I can Haz papers.

It’s a pip.

Of a shadow.

Of its former self.

I think there’s 16 pages and the layout is? Hmm?

Never mind. It’s a layout. There and let’s leave it at that. The hierarchy being what it is the layout of this new monopolistic Maple Key grumble will inherently rest with its director, Bram Lebo. And he has had his chance to meander through the roughage and slim pickin’s of that bellwether to mediocrity: The Highlander.

I have no idea whether the new Minden Times is narrowing its focus to become a Highlander Clone? (Surely we can allow our reach to exceed that grasping last gasp?)

Or whether it is struggling to find some touchstone to the Quebecor factoid.

C’mon Maple Key.

Tell me. Please tell me Maple Key! That you have not surrendered to the narrow margins of audacious mimicry. Please tell me that you have something more to offer.

Let me know when you intend to wow me with some recompense for my buck and a half! Please Mr. Lebo. Please tell me something. Anything. C’mon outta’ that foxhole.

Tell me that your editorial rewritten in the Minden Times about this and that and why that is thus????? Is not all you have to offer. A sop-seared toast to your own high-flung value system, which I take with the de rigueur snowplow full of salt. As opposed to grains… dear Mr. Lebo. Because knowing you like I do? I think I probably have to explain most of these wide ranging and simple minded references. Yes, like you I love to hear myself type.

So. Maple Key? Mr. Lebo? Please tell me that you have more than the thin gruel offered in this paean to ego and your overgrown sense of self-worth.

Please Mr. Lebo … please tell me that this version of the New Minden Times was printed in error.

That this first foray into monopoly is not this slipshod and loosely-filled piece of tripe and detritus? Called the New Minden Times. I feel I must apologize to Ms. Watt and Mr. Ingram, two former employeews who had not the decency of a farewell column in the New Minden Times.

Mr. Lebo. I applaud this move. Because I think that the columns emanating from those two employees would never have assuaged or prodded or fundamentally enhanced your fragile ego. So sure. Bram. Keep em Schtuup! Because goodness knows you have your hands full, what with all this. Reproduction of some reproductions. Someone recently asked me. “How is he going to run all these papers? Keep them all open.”

He was referencing your promise in this oft-repeated sashay into Neverland about not changing a thing. Oh, except two editors and the managing editor of all those publications. I heard your own editor asked Ms. Jenn Watt for a hand in the crossover. I wish I had been a fly on the wall for that reply to Mr. RoseBush. (Okay I can’t spell or recall his real name.. Cut me some slack.)

Please Mr. Lebo please. Tell me you didn’t bring us the New Minden Times just for shitz and giggles. Tell me. Please tell me there’s more?

Get where I’m going here? Bram?

[quote]A FEW GOOD MEN – Col. Jessep: Absolutely. My answer is I don’t have the first damn clue. Maybe he was an early riser and liked to pack in the morning. And maybe he didn’t have any friends. I’m an educated man, but I’m afraid I can’t speak intelligently about the travel habits of William Santiago. What I do know is that he was set to leave the base at 0600.

Now, are these the questions I was really called here to answer? Phone calls and foot lockers? Please tell me that you have something more, Lieutenant. These two Marines are on trial for their lives. Please tell me their lawyer hasn’t pinned their hopes to a phone bill.[/quote]

Please Mr. Lebo please. Tell me that this thin gruel is not the template for further self-indulgent forays into mass publishing.

I hope not… for the sake of your remaining staff.

Because they are decent people Mr. Lebo.

And for God’s sake if these bits of irascible karma from a former colleague has taught you anything?

Let it be this. Please be aware that I have my eyes on you.

So tread lightly with those people who you have made promises to.

And no handshakes please.

We already have some promises in writing. Twice in fact. In the Highlander and in the Times. And I’m sure you’ll reprint that ditty in the rest of the papers.

If for nothing else than for some badly needed column inches.

Cos’ goodness knows that you could use some copy!

Please note that the Shrike Editor Terrance Gavan supports the ramblings and grunts of his Monopolies Editor. Seamus O’Bradaigh.