By Bam! Mego! – Salubrious Commentator
Usually this is karma time for my good friends in the Halcyon Highlands.
A column where I get to rant and bitch about the lamentably scrawny scratching from our rival over in Haliburton Highlands.
For the record his name is Bram Lebo, and I just refer to him as the Lebola virus, because, well? I choose to.
And yes, usually I just pick on his column of the week, a pathetically anemic (always) piece of fluff which just goes on and on and on. Seemingly without direction and assuredly without a point.
This week I think he’s talking about earrings.
And you know? I couldn’t get past the that piece of shit this week. I looked at the spaceless sea of ink and I recognized that Bram was stitching himself into humor mode. Ever hear a person with Tourettes try to tell a knock knock joke? Well, it’s much funnier than anything Bram Lebo has to say in his lamentably spit-speckled and drear posts. And waaaay shorter too!
Well I have a friend JJ McElary who has Tourettes and he loves to tell knock knock jokes.
So here’s an example from this week!
JJ: Hey Bam! Knock fucking knock!
Me: Who’s there?
JJ: Fuck you!
Me: Fuck me who?
JJ: No No! I mean FUCK YOU! Bastard!
Me: Fuck you too JJ.
JJ: Nooo you shithead! Knock Knock!
Me: Who’s there?
JJ: Lily-livered asshole prick!
Me: Lily-livered asshole prick! Who?
JJ: No, that’s not a who! It’s not a fucking knock-knock. It’s me calling you a fart-side banana sunofabichin’ asswipe! Shithead, ass for brains!
Me: Shithead, ass for brains! Who?
JJ: Fuck you Bam! Mego!
Me: Fuck you Bam! Mego! Who?
JJ: Knock knock!
Me: Who’s there motherfucker!?
JJ: Tourettes Too Bad!
Me: Tourettes Too Bad Who?
JJ: Tour-ett’s too bad you’re such a fucking gullible bastard! Hah! Motherfucker! Take that and shove it where the moon don’t shine!
You gotta’ love JJ.
Now where was I?
Oh yes, Bram Lebo. Ah shit. His column this week? Better left unread peeps. About earrings I think. And, as usual, unassuming poppycock. From Haliburton.
I’m sorry Haliburton Highlands! But how can you compete with the Shrike. We got knock knock. And JJ. And me! Bam! Mego!
Anyway. THis was Knock Knock humor from JJ. And Bam! Not Bram.
JJ loves him some Bram Lebo. JJ meanders melancholic every time we bring up his name here at the Shrike. By the way. JJ is a retired New York City Cab Driver. And he fills in three days a week as the Shrike Receptionist.
Me: Knock Knock, JJ!
JJ: Who’s there you sunofabutchin’ monkey ass!?
Me: Bram Lebo!
JJ: Bram Lebo who? Waaaaiiiit!!! Jeezuz H Cheerist! Bram Lebo? Bram Lebo? You mean that humorless, feckless, indolent, sunofabitchin, fucking, sidewindin’ snakein the grass and dour jackass? That motherfucking Bram Lebo?
Me: Yes that’s the one JJ.
Me: And thanks for that. JJ. I loves me some JJ. We’ll call it karma. Thank god for karma… and JJ McElary!
Oh and by the way… thanks for saving me from reading and reviewing that piece of hshit from the Lebola Virus this week JJ.
JJ: You’re fucking welcome!
Bam! Mego can be found at myeyesglazeover.org.