Toronto Mayor admits to secret life… in a Shrike.me exclusive
This is a q and a with Mayor Rob Ford, the beleaguered Toronto Mayor. The photo above was leaked by Agence Presse International Jean Valjean La Fenetre on Thursday, Nov. 7.
SEAMUS O’BRADAIGH – SHRIKE EDITOR EMERITUS
Seamus – Mayor Ford, on the heels of a shocking video released by the Toronto Star today comes this photo of you and your long-time lover, Lord Luc Ferdinand Martinez Saffron Cisco. The photographer said he snapped it at the Paris Gay Pride Parade last May (2013). It comes as a bit of a shock considering you appetite for homophobic slurs and blatant absences from the Toronto Gay Pride Parade.
Mayor Ford – Who are you, you sunofabitch? I was told I was getting Mike fucking Duffy for this interview. I repeat, who the fuck are you?
Me – We talked last night at the Blue Pelican Club on the Danforth and you agreed to do this q and a interview.
Mayor Ford – Bastard. I was fucking drunk. But I’m a man of my word. That picture? If it does exist and I’m looking at it right now and I don’t know if I’m drunk or not or if this is a mirage or something. I mean I could be in a blackout. Wait I just pinched myself and holy fuck that looks a lot like me. I must have been in a blackout. When? Last May. Oh, christ, I was in a blue cocoon blackout for the whole fucking month!
Me – So you and this guy were in the Paris Gay Pride Parade?
Mayor Ford – Yeah. Fuck! Who knows? Ya’ got me again ya’ bastards.
Folks I have nothing left to hide.
I would do anything, absolutely anything to change the past. But the past is the past and we must move forward.
I want to be clear I want to be crystal clear to every single person. These mistakes will never, ever, ever happen again.
Me – You mean that you’ve left your long time lover Count Cisco? And are you saying you’re no longer gay? I mean surely you don’t feel there’s anything wrong with being gay? Why should you apologize?
Mayor Ford – Some of the people I hang with aren’t quite as open minded as me! And why am I apologizing? Fuck where ya’ been the last few days Seamus, you drunken Mick? I apologize! That’s what I fucking do now. I apologize. It’s knee jerk. Every day you guys come out with some new hobby horse. I give up. I have to say though, that I really miss those high heels. And that fuckin’ wig? Ain’t that a pip?
Me – So you’re no longer involved in the LGBT lifestyle?
Mayor Ford – Shit? What the hell is that? LBTGNYTD? Goddamit man, speak English. Look. I guess I was in Paris. I guess I was in that Gay Pride Parade. I don’t fucking know! I’m a stumbling alcoholic and a crackhead! Hello! Hello! Does that surprise you? That I can’t remember certain things? Like 2009. Like 2007. Like my wife’s birthday? And the last seven months? What part about “I got a fucking problem!” aren’t you getting? I could have sworn you were Mike Duffy last night. Can we get Duffy in here? He’s the only guy I know who makes me look thin. Can I get a crumb here Seamus?
Me – So what about the picture? Is it a cause for concern?
Mayor Ford – Hell no. I’m gonna get it placed on a billboard outside the Roger’s Centre. I’m goin’ after the gay and lesbian vote in 2014.
Me – Anything you’d like to add?
Mayor Ford – I want to be clear I want to be crystal clear to every single person. These mistakes will never, ever, ever happen again.
I kept this from my family, especially my brother Doug, my staff, my council colleagues because I was embarrassed and ashamed.
To the residents of Toronto, I know I have let you down and I can’t do anything else but apologize.I apologize and I’m so sorry.
Again, I sincerely, sincerely, sincerely apologize.
God bless the people of Toronto. Thank you very much.”
“NOW DUFFY? O’BRADAIGH? WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR NAME IS! LET’S GO GET US SOME CRACK AND A BOTTLE OF VODKA! ALL THESE APOLOGIES ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY.”