Township of Ricketsbottom contemplating electronic voting? Heaven Forfend

Columnist Absurdist – Bam! MEGO

“Vendors [of electronic voting systems] may come and

they may say they’ve solved the Internet voting problem for
you, but I think that, by and large, they are misleading you,
and misleading themselves as well.”
— Ron Rivest, as quoted in the MIT Technology Review (2012). Rivest is a professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and co-inventor of RSA, the (cryptographic) mathematical algorithm on which most of today’s Internet security is based. (Drawn from The Highlander’s Bram Lebo – I am assuming that’s not his real name!)

Aha! More Progress!

Geez Leewheeze!

It’s gittin’ so’s a feller cain’t get no peace. Even waaay up heah’ yonder in the Halcyon Highlands.

Look. Here’s what my namesake – the guy what’s up thar’ in the quote above – from Haliburton is sayin’ bout ‘lections in some place called Mindeen Halls.

So people have been asking for a picture of BAM! MEGO. Here he is. Looks a little like that famous British Poet Robert Zimmerman. Wait. He's from Hibbing Minnesota. Bob Dylan? Minnesota? Prince? Kevin McHale? Hell... no matter. It's BAM!

So people have been asking for a picture of BAM! MEGO. Here he is. Looks a little like that famous British Poet Robert Zimmerman. Wait. He’s from Hibbing Minnesota. Bob Dylan? Minnesota? Prince? Kevin McHale? Hell… no matter. It’s BAM!

He’s sayin’ and ah is goins to paraphase heah!

[quote]Elections are a right and privilege of
citizenship. Demanding minimal effort
and minimal expenditure, from voters
and our municipalities respectively, is
not too much to ask. Minden Hills would
do well to reverse course and to keep
the system that through its transparency
and simplicity has multiple layers of
accountability built-in, and a near-perfect track record since our nation’s founding.

Okay. So’s I been tol’ that this is a quote and not a paramaze? Point taken. But… Point bein’ … he goes on for about 2,499 words about electronic voting before he ever brings any relevance to it in … yes… the final paragriph! See the elipsis? Bram Lebo hates ellipsis! And ? these things. [/quote]

Okay, so enough with the mindless jitter and patois-grise.

Back to what I do. What my editor Terry Gavan pays me to do. Comment. Comment like my pants are on fire. Unlike my prestigious colleague in Haliburton who has apparently never met a lede he hasn’t buried, I will try to burn through the rivetting lawyer-speak that Lebo clings to like a well-munched baby quilt.

We are living in the 21st century. That comes as a surprise to a lot of lacklustre folks who always point to the good things from the good old days. Yeah. Well it’s time we moved on folks. Because I don’t know if Mr. Lebo has heard of David Suzuki or Tar Sands development or even the days of Maurice Duplessis electioneering, which included Montreal ploice sergeants driving carloads of good old boys from polling station to polling station with a list of recent obituaries in one hand and a fistfull of liquor tickets in the other.

So, yes, democracy has its drawbacks, but moving forward from the hieroglyphics of handwritten ballots is not one of them. Mostly? The drawbacks in the current democratic system lies in the funding of politics that rubs against the grain of the public good. Maybe if Luddites like Bram Lebo would reserve research for that kind of commentary, instead of bogus and uninteresting detritus about the polling booth, we could move forward in the true search for democratic values.

Maybe if Blam Lebo truly pines for the good old days? He could start by rereading Plato. Apparently he missed a chapter or two. Or chose the Coles notes road? And quit whining about the gears and the grinders. And start investigating the end product. So. Back to Ricketsbottom where council actually goes for a beer after meetings. Together. Maybe Mindeen Halls could tear a page from that paradigm?

I am in favor of council of Ricketsbottom’s decision to go to electronic voting. Mr. Lebo and his ilk have every right to voice their sordid and unenlightened disapprovas and I am sure the patent Luddites all have their own reasons.

Maybe Lebo feels Minden is a backwater. Maybe he’s a closet Luddite or a Mason? Maybe he wears too much plaid. Or maybe he’s just pining for Davey Fucking Crockett.

I do know that Minden does have a unique situation in council. Yes, I did some research and found that – unlike our great grand council in Ricketsbottom Township, Ontario – Mindeen Halls council is a tad compromised. In fact I heard most contentious rulings go 4-3. That this number is de facto entrenched. Regardless of topic. In fact? I have heard that Minden council splits 4-3 on everything.

Don’t believe me? I have it on good authority that they put the following to a vote.

“Be it advised that in the Township of Minden Hills, our village, gets dark when the sun goes down and brightens up at dawn.”

The vote? 4-3. And I have no idea which side won or if the naysayers actually thought it went the other way around. Or if they plain just don’t like anything their reeve says. Let’s just say they surpassed gridlock in the US House like Hazel on a Hellhound!

Anyway. Luckily we don’t suffer fools gladly here in Halcyon Highlands. The township of Ricketsbottom passed electronic voting unanimously. And they have just passed legislation which will allow voters in Ricketsbottom to vote on their iPhones.

Please. Please. Don’t tell my namesake Mr. Lebo about such heresies. He may develop a deep depression. Or worse? He could feel the need to stick his platitudinous noggin into the affairs of Ricketsbottom. And we are a peaceful bunch here.

We don’t need urban outfitters and carpetbaggers heah’ in these parts.

We have one thing in common here in Ricketsbottom though. With the people of Haliburton.

Our hillbillies all wear plaid. And pontificate willy-nilly.

Note from the ed! I am not answering any mail for Bam! MEGO. My eyes glaze over every time MEGO turns one in. But he writes for free. And I am told that it’s a good way to run a paper. Hire writers who work for free. Pay em? And they come to expect things. Like competence. And I am way too smart for that!

So send your hate mail to @BAM! on twitter.