schrodinger's cat

Small town thots’ from a big city guy

Shrike Columnist Absurdist – Lam Mego

I am not averse to pontificating. When the mood strikes. Ah hell! 24/7.

You met me last week or two weeks ago under another nom de plume. Let me explain. I am a writer not a lawyer and I do not have an MBA.

Honestly? I have no goddam idea what the letters stand for. Masters of Business And Ministrations? Hell. I know that was close. My copy editor is on vacation in Wawa. Yes I know. I was stuck there for three days on the side of the road back in the seventies when I was on my way to Saltspring Island.

Three cops (OPP) pulled off to chat me up. Inquiring what was in my guitar case. If I did drugs. And what kind of beer I was sipping. Then they said hi to my dog. And asked what breed it was.

BTW. Gibson knock off, no to drugs, Labatt’s 50 and Sparky was mixed terrier and border collie. So why my copywriter is vacationing there? I don’t know and I didn’t ask. I chalk it up to some version of that Catholic sect that’s into self flagellation. The Illuminati? This is a lot easier with a fact checker. My fact checker is 72 years old and she is a former librarian. Her name is Molly Brown and she’s unthinkable not unsinkable. Sharp as a tack. No she is not into Papist S and M, but she does own a very nice cottage up there and she takes three months every summer to catch up on her reading.

Anyway. My name is not Blam Alam Blebo. You guessed that. Our editor has a sense of humor and so do I. I am now going by Lam Mego. And yes those Hunter S Thompson fans out there know? MEGO is another acronym which stands for: My Eyes Glaze Over.

I think I’m here to comment on small town life. I’m not really sure. Anyway this week’s topic is small town revitalization. Hey! I don’t pick em I just write em.

So I grew up in Ottawa, lived in Winnipeg and Toronto and now make my home in Halcyon, Ontario. A whistle-stop on a vast pastiche of rocks and trees. And water. Don’t forget the water.

Our small town wants to revitalize, but there are stumbling blocks. One: Our small town is like 397 years old or something. (Help Molly!) And we do not have running water. Yes. One of the basic foundations of small town growth has been ignored since incorporation waay back in 1802. (No factchecker so I’m throwin’ it out there.)

No town water. I once worked for a small paper in Manitoba. The water was so bad in an adjoining town that the Reeve got up and made an impassioned plea to council who were nitpicking about costs et al. “Will it take a blue baby dying… ? To wake youse guys up to the need for clean water?”

Whoooooo weeeeeee! Trust me. Ifyou’re a journalist covering council on a slow news day? That shit is pure gold.

Anyway our small town wants to revitalize. And there are landowners in the middle of it all blocking the plan because of their big city mindset and small-minded intransigence.

So I am here to project my enormous intellect on the situation. My noodle is so big in fact that I can almost grasp the elaborate nature of the Schrodinger’s Cat pairaducks. (No I am not looking it up. Okay,, here… hey, I spelled Schrodinger right except for the two dots above the o. The other is paradox.) Anyway who is standing in the way of a better Halcyon?

I’ll tell you right now! You. Peasants. You’re standing in the way. Not the companies. Not the elected representatives. You! So get off your duffs and do something! I’m doing something! I am giving you the benefit of my insight, whippet-quick synaptic freeway, years of small town living (three) and my imposing intelligence.

I tread and broached and conjured this conclusion after a week of research. And an article I read recently. Here’s one hell of a quote!

[quote]”So let’s be clear about the only real roadblock to building a better Haliburton Village: ourselves. It’s easy to come up with reasons to not try, harder to have the courage to move ahead. The future is too important to leave to the fates. We need to be its author, to forge our own path forward. We, and only we, can make it happen.” Highlander Publisher Bram Lebo.

From: An editorial in a small town weakly! (sic,errr, no) So holy shit!  Did this guy just swallow the Gettysburgh Address?   Is he eating two bowls of that new breakfast cereal? Two Scoops of Purple Prose in a package of Flim-Flam? (Kelloggs!) [/quote]

So I present that as an argument. Just as guns don’t kill people. Lawmakers do not bear any responsibility for the inertia in your small town. Be it Halcyon, Wawa, Haliburton or Come By Chance, Nfld. People. You are charged with the responsibility. Why? Because I said so. You want town water? You want affordable housing? You want more recreation? You want a pool? Grab a shovel my friends. Start digging. Don’t worry about the permits. Get in there, put your head down and dig.

Be the me you want to be.

And for heaven’s sake. Do it quickly.

People are pulling up stakes at an alarming rate here in Halcyon.

Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink.

Get Lam on twitter: @HighlanderToday

Editor’s note: Don’t write to me. This is the man you want!