Oh my… look at all the shiny stars
By Blam Alam Blebo – Columnist Absurdist
I don’t know how I got roped into this gig by my friend Seamus O’Bradaigh, the Editor Emeritus of this online rag named after a bloodthirsty little bird that hangs its prey on barbed wire, the better to pick away at its lingering remains.
But alas I am the new columnist for THE SHRIKE.ME. [quote]Don’t ask me. I am a lawyer and a guy with one of those obsequious MBA degrees and I can’t write my way out of a paper bag. And? I write with the flair of well? A barrister on laudenum. I am told this is a humor column and I write to spec. Every Thursday at exactly 12 noon I get an email from Gav and he gives me the topic.[/quote]
I am guessing that Gav asked Seamus to hire me because he has an agenda. I am assuming it’s got something to do with my name, although I haven’t been able to weed through the trivia, the sturm and the drang for motive just yet.
Anyway this week’s topic? Stars. Here’s what I got from Gav for my first column.
Blam:Here. Topic: Perseid meteor shower.Base it on this completely obscure, ridiculous and completely manufactured fact:
Our galaxy has one hundred billion stars — 14 for every person on this planet.
Now… Blam Alam? Write like you do. Purple, preachy, presumptive, obsequious and irrelevant. Trust me, it’ll be hilarious.
So here it is, my first rip at a paid writing gig. Boy oh boy, and I thought I would have to buy my own paper to get myself a writing job.
Oh my god. Were you out watching the Purse Eyed (sic) meteor shower the other nite? Or were you instead ensconced on the couch watching American Idol or some such ilky(sic) piece o’ crap?
Face it people. I’m way smarter than you! And? I’m here to tell you all how to live. How many of you have taken the time to gaze up at the sky lately? Aha! I knew it. Lazy buggers!
I’m country y’all. I wear a plaid shirt and I don’t shave much. I am a creature of the woods. Oh sure. I’m a lawyer and an MBA from Toronto, but I’m newly arrived to the stars and the sky and the bears and the deers and the rocks and the trees and the sky (sic – redundant but awesome!). And I’m here to tell you that you people who live here? And have done all your life? You’re not living right. Your kids are spoiled, you watch too much television, you don’t appreciate nature and heaven forfend, you don’t even offer to pay for your local newspaper! I should know.
Sheesh. How many times since I arrived here from the Big Smoke have I told you how to live within the boundaries of common sense, lofty goals, and respect for my intellect? Don’t bother. That was moot. Err, rhetorical. Look it up ya’ losers!
Shit! This is god’s country people. God’s country. And I should know. I was out there shivering in the cold watching stars falling out of the goddam sky. And it was awesome! Hear that? Awesome.
And while we’re on the subject of awesome? Your bloody kids use that word too much. It’s awesome this, and awesome that! Good lord! I’m sick and tired of kids and even twenty-somethings using that whip to keep flogging their dead dog and pony shows like it was rocket surgery. And trite comparisons and simplistic metaphors? I hate them too. Sooooo… I was out there alone watching a goddam meteor shower. All of those 14 billion stars shining bright and you people were wrapped snug in your million dollar cottages, sputtering and drooling while watching that special Saturday edition of Dragon’s Den.
Whoooooaaaaa! Now don’t even get me started on that show. And Kevin O’Leery! (sic) Doesn’t this guy make enough money already? Why is our public broadcaster paying this guy six figures?
And more to the point? Why are we watching television anyway? See that. I even know how to make great use of the interrogatory declarative. Look it up. It’s called a dictionary. I read it a lot! Get rid of your TVs. Read!
Some sage writer and I can’t remember who, said this about dishes.
“Indeed, if there is one thing we could do to centre our youth (and the rest of us as well) it would be to toss every satellite dish in the county into the nearest stone fireplace, like a massive Greek wedding but more cleansing and cathartic.” (Anonymous? – We wish!)
Cleansing and Cathartic! Wow, what awesome words eh? That’s what happens when you throw away your satellite dish like I did four years ago. Yes I did. Do it ya’ bumpkins! Do it and you might even start to read something, you uneducated sloths! Take it from me. If you idiots start to read? Well, you too might learn awesome words like Cleansing and Cathartic!
So now that you know how to improve yourself? Go out with zeal and become zealots like me… for country living. I should know. I’ve been a country boy for three years.
And I already know more than you.
You’re watching too much goddam television.
That’s it for now you pipsqueaks!
This is your rising star! Blam Alam Blebo telling you….
Have a goddam awesome day!
Ed’s note! Blam Alam Lebo doesn’t know why… But he just made my fucking day!
get Blam Alam Bleboo(sic) at twitter… @blamalambam
For a really good related read about stars and life? Click here.