What’s next? A horse’s head in PMs bed?
By Terrance Gavan – Crap Journalist
“Something strange is a happening here.
What it is ain’t exactly clear.
There’s a man with a foot over there.
Is he tellin’ me … I got to beware?”
Hush hey what’s that sound?
It’s the sound of Tory footsteps leaving town.
Poesy courtesy of award winning poet terrentino gaverino… Nobel Laureate NOT!
Canadian Press via Huffington Post Canada reports the following: “Ottawa police say a second package containing a body part has been found just hours after a stunned Conservative party receptionist opened a blood-soaked box containing a human foot.
“The first was found Tuesday morning in a package that had been delivered to the party’s headquarters a few scant blocks from Parliament Hill. As a result of further investigation, Ottawa police said Tuesday night that they intercepted a second suspicious package containing another human body part.
Police released no other details about the second find, and said the major crime section continues to investigate. Tuesday morning’s macabre discovery led to a pre-noon call to police and paramedics about a suspicious package.
The first officers to arrive on the scene spotted blood splattered on the package and immediately called in the hazardous-material unit. When the specialists opened the package, police found the severed appendage inside.
“Upon arrival, officers noted that the (box) package possibly had blood stains on it,” Ottawa police said in a statement.
The mere idea that the PC party is having trouble with the mob should be comforting. Because there are times, perusing the fanciful flights of Pete the Heat MacKay, Beverly Hills Oda and Tony Da Nose Clements,when we just assume that Canada is being run by an offshoot of the Gambini Family.
So what’s with this foot delivered to Progressive Conservative headquarters on Albert Street in Ottawa?
What’s the message? And what has the PC Party done to the Don to earn such a territorial display? Did Stevie The Hair Harper sleep wit’ da goilfriend of a Cappo di Tutti? Has the PMO pissed off the Teamsters? Does it go deeper than that? Have the PCs reneged on a cement deal or placed a heavy levy on the import of Sicilian Sausage?
Or does this viral mail present a more nuanced and contextual warning? Have the Cozy Nosters taken umbrage over “Da Hair’s” new law and order regimen? Whatever’s going on, da’ feds should better come up wit’ some clues pronto.
Because the parts count is growing faster than a culture sample in a CSI Miami petri dish.
CP Reports: A foot in Ottawa, a torso in Montreal and now a hand somewhere. Muley O’Dooley, my fact checker, just confirmed that the hand was found in the Ottawa postal terminal.
Police discovered a second package containing a body part on Tuesday, hours after a stunned Conservative receptionist opened a blood-soaked box containing a human foot that had been delivered to the party’s headquarters.
On Tuesday night, investigators carried out the second package in a brown paper bag from a Canada Post sorting plant through which every letter or package sent to or from Ottawa travels.
Police X-rayed the bag before they opened it to find a hand. Police said the package with the hand was not destined for the Conservative Party of Canada, but wouldn’t say where it was to be sent.
If the fingerprints have been surgically altered or, heaven forfend, made redundant with a cigar chopper, we will assume that the Tortellinis and the Gambinis are collaborating to deliver a message to da’ Hair.
Be afraid dear PCs. Get yourself some added security, because these guys are not your average Canadian voter. They are not complacent, not naive, they are politically active and they carry a grudge. Unlike your electorate they are not prone to inertia and they don’t appreciate being lied to. Run!
Tony Falco is a Montreal freelance writer who has been covering organized crime in La Belle Province for 35 years. He’s paid the price for his diligence and whistle blowing. He’s lost four cars to bombs, the last one a $135,000 Lamborghini Testarozza XE. Yes the crime beat pays well, but it carries with it some obvious drawbacks.
“Let me tell youse dis’ Gav,” said my good friend Tony this morning by phone from Montreal. “I bought that f$#$@ing Lamborghini because I was assured by the dealer that the Mob would never blow up an Italian work of art.
“I had that son of a bitch two days and I was headed for a ski holiday in Quebec City, pressed the long range starter, and badda bing badda boom badda bang! Up she goes with my new Atomic skis, boots and my Burton Board. Da’ Surete says they used six pounds of plastique. I could not find a piece larger than a dime. I had to leave my condo too because the neighbours are a bunch of chickens—ts.
“But hey Gav, you didn’t call me to listen to me moan about my life. The torso is here in Montreal and I’ve been to the morgue. My inside guy says it’s got mob written all over it. My sources in Ottawa tell me that the hand and the foot are being forwarded to Winnipeg to the fed’s crime lab there.”
“Any ideas or gut feelings?” I ask.
“Yeah,” says Falco. “I’ve got it on good authority that it’s centered on the gun registry. The Gambinis are pissed that the Hair is going to ditch it.”
“The Mafia is angry about the recall of the gun registry law?” I ask, gobsmacked.
“Damn right!” says Falco. “The number one cause of death in the organized crime demographic is ‘lead poisoning.’ And the mob has been lobbying for tougher gun laws for the past decade or so. Da Hair and those PCs are messin’ with the wrong gun lobby. Knowwhattimean?”
“And you’re saying?” I ask.
“I’m not sayin’ I’m just sayin,” chuckles Falco. “Keep that goddam gun registry or bolt quick to the mattresses baby!”
“Otherwise?” I ask.
“Udderwise?,” laughs Tony the Nose.
“Someone’s goin’ to be swimmin’ wit’ da fishes in the Rideau Canal.”
Get gav@…. Whooooooaaaaa! Gav’s left town for a week or two. And is buying an electric starter for his Jeep. Wait I drive an Oldsmobile. And I live in Oshawa![/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]