A psychiatrist’s advice on subtracting our ADD

Sound of body… shy of mind – Gavan

By Terrance Gavan

We wish you luck, wanderers and freaks, who have not enlisted the services of a “head doctor.”

Yes, I am the proud receptacle of a laundry list of mental derangements, and like any proud Canadian, I have availed myself of this country’s open access to shrinks and snake charmers on numerous occasions.

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Hello Sigmund! Look, a loon. Photo courtesy of the Guardian.

Two psychologists, several counsellors and a forgotten number of Jungian and Freudian psychiatrists – sorry, I lost count – have peered into the depths of my cranium and have pronounced me sound of body and shy of mind.

The diagnoses simply confirm the suspicions of people who know me, including most of the 365 members of the Haliburton Curling Club.

My latest trip to a head man happened just before Christmas, right here in Haliburton, where, as some of you already know, we have bi-weekly access to a psychiatrist, Dr. Montague Pequod.

I was there on the advice of my GP, Doctor Alex Ambidextrous, to discern whether or not I was suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder – ADD.

Ah, a deer just walked across my lawn. Oh, and look, a puppy dog is trailing along in its graceful wake. Lovely.

Now, where was I. Oh yes, our dear, wee man, Montague.

So there’s a questionnaire to fill out and then a chat to be had. No couch. Rather disappointing.

Did you know that St. Thomas Aquinas said that “an infinite number of angels can dance on the head of a pin?” That just garnered from CBC Radio. I love the CBC. Did you know that Peter Gzowski smoked a lot?

Now. We were where?

Oh, yes. The chat. We – Dr Pequod and we – talked about our childhood and our propensity to procrastinate and piffle and waffle and place stuff on back burners. We came to an stunning and oblique conclusion…

Hello! Did you know that procrastinate – postpone until tomorrow – derives from the Latin pro (for) plus cras (tomorrow) and that placing ‘stuff’ on the proverbial shelf is symptomatic of…

Wow! Lollipops and gingerbread! Just look at our sunset. Only in the Highlands.

We must get our camera. Jackie! Who stole our camera? Where the heck is it?

Ah, of course. It’s in the fridge. Isn’t this new camera technology wonderful? We remember spending our Sundays in a darkroom developing black and white film for the Selkirk Journal…

But. We. Digress.

Poffle-piffle. We think we’re done here.

Topic addressed, and our points made.

We trust. We’re done here. And by the way…

You are most welcome. Dear readers.