Pardon the Eruption – Coach? Rob Ford?

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"Is this 911? I'm The Mayor. Wait. I'm the F$#@%$#@ing Mayor!

“Coach” Rob Ford is embarrassing football coaches across Canada

By Terrance Gavan – Columnist

What the heck is wrong with Toronto Mayor and erstwhile gridiron coach Rob Ford?

I mean aside from rampant homophobia, an assumed zealous penchant for fried foods and an almost manic and obsessive fear of liberals, tree huggers and poor people.

Rob Ford is the Mayor of the largest city inCanadaand he ran a campaign that embraced big business, small-c conservatism and autocratic top down fiscal responsibility.

How’s that been working coach?

Now news seeps to the top of that lingering pile of puss formerly known as City Hall that Ford ran away from Marg Delahunty –Newfoundland’s physically unimposing Warrior Princess.

Yes Mayor Ford was ambling out to his car the other day when a This Hour Has 22 Minutes news crew with Mary Walsh – aka Delahunty –  in the lead charged out to confront him.

Coach Ford backed away from the marauding television crew and quickly shooed his daughter back into the house.

Where he promptly called 911. Yes. 911. The emergency number reserved for drowning infants, apartment fires, car accidents, heart failure, strokes, drownings and gunshot wounds.

That 911.

The 250 pound football coach stood in his house, peering out the window at aCBCtelevision and dialed 911. Because he says he didn’t recognize Mary Walsh.

Really? Coach Ford. That’s what ya’ got? That’s what you’re telling your constituents? Mary Walsh looked armed and dangerous? And she chased me into the house?

I have met well over 100 football coaches from all levels on my scribbling travels fromHalifaxto BC. I’m pretty sure they’re all bloody embarrassed. That a Canadian football coach decided to rain fulsome shame on a noble profession.

Shame on you Coach Ford. If I was a player on your high school squad? I’d be knocking on the principal’s door and demanding that you be relieved of your duties immediately. For “conduct unbecoming.”

In fact I phoned a high school coach I know from Halcyon,Manitoba, where they still play 9-man football.

Coach Leo “Crazy-Legs” Loonesbury is only 5’9” and pops the scales at a whopping 148 pounds. That’s the same weight he played at while toiling as a wide receiver and kick returner at theUniversityofManitobaback in 1968. He’s in the Bison Football Hall of Fame and spent two years with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.

You go into a biker bar at 2 in the morning and you got one choice for a wing man?

You choose “Crazy Legs” Loonesbury every time. He’s 63 or 64 now and he still benches 220.

I called him up on Tuesday shortly after the Ford fluff started filtering through the Globe and the Star.

“Crazy Legs how’s the team doing?” I asked.

“We won the provincial nine-man again this year,” said Legs. “Ah, I got a great group of kids here in Halcyon.”

“What’s you take on this Mayor Ford dealio Legs?” I asked.

“Can I say Casper Milquetoast in your paper?” asked Legs.

“Well, Leo, I just heard what Mayor Ford called the 911 operators and I think that as epithets go?Casperis rather tame in comparison,” I chuckled.

“I heard he swore at the 911 woman, used the b-word and then said, ‘Don’t you f—ing know who I am? I’m f—ing Rob Ford, mayor of the city!’ Is that right?” asked the old coach.

“Something like that,” I said. “And thanks for that quote because I was wondering how I was going to work it into the column.”

“Well you want my opinion,” said Crazy Legs. “And all I’m sayin’ is what every coach inCanadais thinking. Rob Ford is a French fried chicken.

“And he’s a waddling embarrassment to the coaching fraternity. Heck I know 50 coaches who’d all love to meet Marg Delahunty.”

“Thanks coach,” I said.

“Tell Ford to get on the bike,” said Crazy Legs.

That’s why I love Crazy Legs Loonesbury. No crap. Unlike this other guy.

For the record Coach Ford said, “I didn’t know who they were and obviously we’ve had death threats. There was a camera and a mike.

“My kids and my wife are the closest things to me and I’ll do anything to protect them.”

Okay Marg Delahunty. Time to step up to the dais.

Shame on you for being such an imposing Newfoundlander.

Now this all leads to the more interesting question.

What in heck is Coach Rob Ford going to do on Halloween?

“Hello 911? This is Mayor Rob Ford. Send SWAT stat. There are four f—ing zombies and a GD vampire at my door.”

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